When a couple has a good relationship, they’re usually having a good sex life too. And the reciprocal is true as well; the bedroom and your relationship are inseparably connected. So connecting in the bedroom as often as you can will force you to connect outside the bedroom more often, too. Researchers have outlined the number of times couples should get down in a week and it’s once a week. “Once a week seems to be the sweet spot.” Having sex more often than once a week doesn’t make the average couple any happier. On the other hand, it doesn’t make them any less happy.
And even though you might imagine that men disagree with once-a-week in a big way, think again. Results were the same for men and women, for young and elderly, and for longtime and short-term relationships.
Here are 10 easy ways to spice things up:
1. Love your naked body
Women who have the best sex lives feel good about their bodies. They see themselves as strong and sexy. Try to avoid having a negative body image. Typically, when a woman looks at herself, her eyes go straight to her problem areas and those feelings are carried into the bedroom, and when her partner is kissing her thighs, she’s busy thinking, ‘God, I’m so fat!’ To boost your body confidence, give yourself a reality check.
Practice body positive affirmations the next time you’re at the store or in the gym take a look around you at all the attractive women who are a variety of shapes and sizes. Remind yourself: There is no one ideal. Then ask your partner what he loves about your body and write it down. Read the list every morning. Finally, compliment yourself. At least once a week if not every day, stand in front of the mirror naked and focus on your favourite features — your toned arms, your firm butt, your gorgeous breasts. Touch each part and say aloud what you like about it. This will help to reinforce your feelings.
2. Try new positions
I know I said no injuries would be involved and I meant it. But I am certain that there are many positions that you have not tried recently (or at all). There are many resources and illustrated books to give you some ideas. Make a point to try a new position each time you make love.
3. Touch and tease
It’s extreme, yes, but highly effective. That’s because when you tell yourself you can’t have something, you want it even more. The same is true in the bedroom — especially if you and your partner have been together for a while and sex has become automatic. Instead of focusing on the end game, learn to enjoy the sensuality of sex. Tease yourself — and your partner. Get undressed, dim the lights and take turns exploring each other’s bodies.
4. Add a few kinks
It’s easy to get lazy in bed. But you both deserve better. If you don’t put energy into your relationship, you won’t get energy out of it. New and adventurous activities may stimulate the brain to produce dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in sexual desire. Do something daring outside the bedroom and dopamine levels may skyrocket, along with your sex drive. Experiencing something new and exhilarating together helps replicate that feeling you had in the beginning of your relationship when you couldn’t get enough of each other.
5. Tell your partner how to turn you on
Men want to be your knight in shining armour when it comes to sex — they’re eager for you to tell them what feels good. Help him, and yourself, by showing him what turns you on. Put your hand on top of his and guide him in how you want to be touched — including how much pressure to use. When you’re ready to move on to oral sex, or to bring in a few sex toys, speak up. This is the only way he’s going to know what works for you.
6. Change your routine
When you’re stressed out, it’s impossible to feel sexy. That’s because when a woman experiences chronic tension, her body produces higher levels of oxytocin, a chemical that cancels out the effects of the sex hormone testosterone. As a result, your libido takes a nosedive. Recharge your sexual batteries by doing things that let you break free from your hectic everyday life. When you’re relaxed and feeling good about yourself, sex will start to seem within the realm of possibility again.
7. Be confident, make the first move
A recent study found that the leading predictor of a woman’s marital happiness was the level of her husband’s emotional engagement. If you two are spending quality time together, you’re happy. But when you’re feeling disconnected, your relationship and your sex life suffer. You need to feel close to him to be inspired to make love, and he often needs sex to feel close to you. How to break the stalemate? Make the first move. Do something simple like thanking him for the little things. When you give him a little gratitude, it’s a huge bonding moment for him. In response, he’ll start tuning back into what you need, and you’ll be much more likely to want him in return.
8. Do something exhilarating
Believe it or not, your chances of having sex later is increased if you laughed and had fun together. You two will be connecting in a way that triggers the feel-good chemicals (like when you fell in love).
9. Bring out the oils
Sometimes when things have been too hectic and we haven’t been making time for sex, offer a massage with candles and oils. It will relax the both of you, and the intimate and gentle touching leads to kissing and then sex. It sets the mood for a slowed down, sensual night when you might otherwise be ‘too tired.’
10. The secret to the best sex ever
If you need another reason to exercise, consider this: working out is a great way to boost your sex life. It stimulates not only the body but the nervous system and the brain. Exercise strengthens your cardiovascular system, improves circulation, and gets blood flowing to all the right places. It also gets you in the mood by reducing stress and boosting your self-esteem. Working out gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment. When you do it consistently, it makes you feel good about yourself.
Just as important, exercise helps you tune in to your body — and tune out the world. Weight training and yoga, which force you to focus on your muscles and your form, are especially good for this. Your attention is fully on you, you really feel every move, and that puts you in a more sensual state.