King Charles has 1 option left to get Andrew out of Royal Lodge and it might make him cry

Sometimes handling stroppy kids you have to confiscate a prized toy, to teach them that bad behaviour’s simply not acceptable. And with news Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor could be digging his heels in over his humiliating Royal Lodge departure, then King Charles may need to step in and do some confiscating of his own.

It was initially claimed scandal-hit Andrew, 65, was quitting the 30-room, Grade II-listed mansion straight after enjoying his last Christmas and New Year there – possibly with Sarah Ferguson, or perhaps on his lonesome. Either way it’ll be a very depressing Yuletide with boxes half packed, far fewer Christmas cards and a trimmed-back festive fare – maybe just one guinea fowl per head and smoked trout instead of salmon.

Then – after a quick rendition of Auld Lang Syne – Andrew was supposed to be off in the removal van to the Sandringham Estate, in Norfolk, to retire (the King desperately hopes) from public view and front pages.

But last week royal author Robert Jobson claimed Andrew “won’t budge until February at the earliest” as he pushes back his move and even “seems to be kicking his heels”.

Jobson adds: “The disgraced royal has made it clear to the King and courtiers who sent him packing that he is going nowhere fast.”

But what happens if Andrew turns round to King Charles and declares “one is not for moving”, and refuses to leave Windsor at all? Well the King, apologies in advance for the extended oxymoron, may have to take the gloves off and punch below the belt. But how? To quote Blackadder, I have a plan more cunning than a fox with two tails who’s just been elected Professor of Cunning at Oxford University. Did you know Andrew is somewhat obsessed with teddy bears?

It’s even been recently reported that he’s currently so lonely he’s taken to chatting to the plush toys as if they were close friends. For years we’ve heard extraordinary reports of Andrew exploding into fits of rage when a maid misplaces one – with a laminated photo guiding staff how to place each bear on his bed to form in a giant pyramid structure of bear. He maintains that Royal Lodge is ‘their home too’ and has been reportedly anxious about how they are ‘coping’ with disturbances as they could soon be set to leave.

Faced with these ‘bear facts’ what if someone ‘higher up the royal food chain’ arranged for the teddies to be …. errr … temporarily paw-loined? If King Charles got a stooge to pack up Andrew’s teddies while he’s out playing golf and threatened him that they could meet a “grizzly end” unless he quits Royal Lodge by the start of January, would it work? Afterwards Charles could hold his hands up and say: “It’s a fur cop – but brother, you had it coming!” It would be a Christmas present to the nation!